Monthly Archives: December 2016

2016…… Enough is Enough.

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I rang in 2016 on a flight from Calgary to London. I was in limbo as I was never quite sure what time zone I was in and therefore didn’t really properly welcome 2016. That feeling of limbo and uncertainty remained for the rest of the year.
I landed with my three kids in tow, and as we exited the arrivals gate I knew this was the start of what has been one of the most challenging chapters of my life.
I took a deep breath, quietly wished myself a happy new year and began my journey into single motherhood.
A year later I feel like I am stuck in the departure gate waiting for my life to feel better. It has improved drastically since I pioneered my divorced-not an easy decision but the best decision isn’t always the easiest. I must digress momentarily -my auto correct changed always to lawyers. It knows me so well.
Back to my thoughts. I wanted to be a wife mother, keep my home cosy, happy so we could deal with whatever life threw at us as a team. It didn’t work that way. Life was throwing curves balls and lemons at us in all directions but we were not protected by our home as the nightmare was in our home. The choice to divorce was one made in order to survive emotionally.
As the months passed I tried to be strong, positive, soldier on as they say ,but we all know what happens if we solider on too much , denying what we’re feeling-we break down. We hurt and we release what we’e tried so hard to be brave about.
It is hard to accept you allowed someone into you life who you once trusted and now is someone you mistrust. It is tough to accept the person you had the most precious children with is not longer someone you admire. It is painful to accept you need to protect you kids emotionally from someone who is supposed to protect them. It is hard to face the reality that you might face the rest of you life alone and without a partner as it is hard to fathom trusting again.
So as I sit, mentally preparing to ring in the new year, I hesitate to use ‘celebrate; as I am cautious and guarded. I’ll have a fun evening without question but the concept of celebrating is a bit more than I am emotionally prepared to do right now. I don’t yet trust 2017.
I am strong, I have a good support network but my soul has taken a beating and I need to protect it until the wounds have healed. Running with a injury will make the injury worse -you get where Im going with this.
2017, I’ll welcome you with caution, with optimistic hesitation,.I’ll need to be with people who I trust and understand me in order to allow myself to venture deeper into he waters of the next year.
Eventually I will swim in open deep waters, but for now, i think I am happy that my arrival destination will be something akin to dipping my feet in shallow waters while I get my self back together. I’m not in limbo though which is a small comfort. life saver by lock.jpg